{these passages of poems were composed when i was dating the person i hate currently.
I actually composed these three seperate into a book, that i later gave to him the day he left for college.
These three are so special to me. I think it's time i began to desensitize myself to them or burn them.}


I look for yiur name in the list. It's not yiu that i see. I wonder if i ever will.

I turned a blind eye to it. I found him within. His stubble caught my tears. In a weeks time, education will take hold. He'll take what was made together with him. And i'll be left to await his arrival. Three months without my adventure and passion. Three months to count. Will i make it?

We sat there in the back of yiur car. Our parking near the sunny Santa Cruz Beach. Us both subconsciously aware this would be our last day of summer. And of us.
I looked in yiur eyes. I saw all the memories of these months, the memories of our foreheads touching in sincere missing. And at that moment i knew the next morning as i awake, yiu would be gone. It was then, i allowed myself to cry. I couldn't breathe.
I rubbed my tear streaked cheeks against yiur stubble, yiur upturned palms cupping my chin. Yiur assurance.
I thought it then i show yiu my farewell gift. The book of a beyond earthly realm love, the one that brought me closer to yiu. When yiu saw it, yiur tears met mine upon the cover.
My fresh spontaneous words, were those of the moment.
A moment where the future looked so much better. And thinking of it i smiled. My tears were of happy dreams.

When i was young,
i always appreciated poetry and writing at such a young age.
When i was in 6th, i had already read Romeo and Juliet twice,
and had the vocabulary and reading skills of a senior in High School.
Since then i have honed my love for poetry, and writing phrases of momentos
or cryptic messages.
These are a couple passages i always re-edit after a while.

{this one is poem that started one night in Sophmore year, that began with the first line.
I later kept adding lines. I recently added the last 5 lines the other day.
The poem never had a person in mind. But the person i am dating currently inspired the remaining lines}

"Let us lay amongst the stars, maybe we might go too far
Maybe show yiu how it feels, to hold onto something real
Our breathes held by the night chill, time can't help but to stand still
The weight of yiur head on my chest, a quick solace, i'm yiur rest.
Close yiur eyes, the moon is puting us to sleep, my shepard, i weep.
Even with yiu silent, yiur words are unspoken and my love ever so unbroken.
Tonight it's just us, our world as one, where tomorro, there is none.
The night together is eternal."

{This was the same concept as the above one. It was started from a single sentence. Each subsequent sentence was added on to show how my feelings progressed towards a certain person. Each line progressed from events me and him experienced. As yiu can tell, i once was so optimistic and love-stricken, which led to a slight bitterness, and then to a rage. It's strange to see how i've

"AS a momento: [Considering if we're going to have along future, i'm shure i can wait for yiu to return again. Just promise yiu'll never forget me.   I ªÁ∂˚ him
(but now i worry that it's no reciprocal, and yiu've let me go)
But now, i see we've got something good, like it is now.
And end made to that good, to a never made beginning.
I really wanna puke. Purge a disgust.
My tears have ceased to run from my eyes, they shall be yiur blood that run from my hands"


{This is based upon the man i'm dating currently. Also being constantly edited as time passes)

"It is my meditation of self that I see in yiu're smiling face. And gosh yiu're life makes me remember why it is that yiu were a solace to me. In dire times do such cherubs float by a man. Not a mere boy.

I fear the worst in myself, as yiu, my saint doth lay beside the river of my inner conscious. I pray yiu will not fall prey to sufforcate within it's secrets i hide. I fear i shall allow it to stifle the innocence i took of yiurs."

Much of my high school career has always been centered around my aspirations to the future, and dealing with the issue of my sexuality. Sometime i wonder how i even achieved the notoriety by my instructors, peers, and such, while always being true the fact that i am gay. It was no easy accomplishment to come into my own individual, let alone accept being gay, while being bred in the NJROTC to be a leader. I was still so impressionable and confused about who i was at the time. Even to this day all that i can truly remember about my Freshman and sophomore year, was that i was constantly confused and submissive (i had no resistance to peer pressure). I never did any drugs or anything like that, it's just that other people told me what i should like, and what to do.

To come into my own as i have now, to where i know who i am, and feel as if i am worthy, is an accomplishment itself.
An accomplishment worth sharing.

My friend introduced to me a $5,000 scholarship open to all HS seniors who identified with the gay community.
I mean, Why not try this one out? I really need the money for college, considering my mother is struggling as it is to pay for herself and my sister to attend college.
It required the usual stuff: HS transcript, a application, a written statement, and letter of recommendation.

I thought of who to ask for my letter of recommendation. I mean, the prompt asked for the individual to comment about my contribution to the gay community. How awkward to ask any teacher, "Hey, can yiu write a L.O.R. for me? Oh yeah? Really? Yiu will? GREAT!! It wants to know about my gay community service and contribution to it. Oh... i see... yes i am gay. I often get that. So would yiu still help me out? Hello? Hello?" Obviously my military instructor would be willing to write it, but it's just i don't feel comfortable with him commenting (me and him rarely mention it, which is a source for why i tend to avoid him. I often feel he judges me because of that).

I got my theater teacher Ms. Schwartz to write it for me. She was delighted, and it spawned a moment in which i wanted to cry. A teacher i felt comfortable with about my sexuality, and i finally realized was truly concerned for my well-being.

After sending in the forms and such, i awaited anything to confirm the next round of selection.
A month later i received a call, congratulating me, for i had recieved an interview with the selection committee.
I was ecsatic; ran to Ms. Schwartz and hugged. I felt something i haven't had in so long. Pride from a parental figure.
I again wanted to cry. My teacher was proud of me as much as i was. Oh how i wish the moment would have lasted longer. I felt recognized, even.. (dare i say) worthy.

She then sent me a copy of the letter or recommendation she had submitted. Reading it later that day, i was dumb-struck.

In my life, my entire life, there is one side of my vague past that a few select know. And for so long, it has stayed a complete secret. I even call it my "deepest-most painful memory". (The incident itself i will not mention for i fear it returning. ) I mean, even my closest friends don't know too much of my past, or the incident itself. But here in this letter, Ms. Schwartz had chosen to write about it. I was filled with the most extreme of emotions. Oh no... What had she done.

But after telling the "painful memory", she explained, that that event had actually been what probably caused the better changes in myself. She stated, [the memory] led him to become a better person and to become a role-model to others.
"Alex has been a role-model to other gay males at the HS. And has inspired others to be more confident and come into their own." (or something along those lines).
Here i was, reading this letter, wanting to cry for two reasons:
1) She had spoke of the "Memory"
2) She said i was a role-model

Three weeks later, i had my interview at Downtown SF on Market Street, at the PG&E headquarters.
I mean, during the interview i was asked about my NJROTC experience and my leadership. I told them i had aspirations to become a nursing practitioner, maybe later join the military if gay policies were to change.
I felt that my professional portrayal of a future leader was just the kinda thing they were looking for.
They told me that i was amazing, laughed at my humble comments, and said, "The 24 students picked to be interviewed including yourself are all amazing people. But we can only pick 12. And we, the committee thank all of you for the courage you face on a daily basis, we are nothing compared to the challenges you kids deal with."
I felt like collapsing, right then and there on the floor of that board room.
(Yiu think i'm.... amazing?
Please don't tell me that, i'm not. I am no where near worth such praise. Please don't make me cry.)

I wanted more than anything to win. My mother, sister, and I all went to explore SF immediatly after, but the brush of receiving such praise burned my cheeks.  Was it disdain that burned, or  was it  not feeling worthy? But the experience made me feel so proud of myself.

It wasn't until two nights ago that i received a letter from the committee. I mean, pins-and-needles for a month, waiting.
And here it was.
"Dear Alex.."
I waited until i was ready to finally fold down the next flap.

"we regret.." I stopped. Wait... please don't... i pray that it isn't what my brain is fearing the most...

"to inform you that you have not received..." i stopped this time.

I didn't need to read any further. My sister silent finally broke the long pause.
"It's okay Alex. It was still really good you made it that far."

it isn't good. i did it again. my childish nature of always getting my hopes up again hurt me deep.
i knew i should have emotionally dettached myself, but i was ready to be recognized.

"You have not received the scholarship. Please remember that all were worthy, but few could be selected."

Was i truly worthy?

I guess we'll see.

Me: secretly i still yearn to be that nerd
Me: that's in hiding
Me: X3
QA: secretly, i still yearn to do nerds.
QA: in hidden places.
Me: X3
Me: words cannot describe yiur awesomeness QA

Have yiu ever seen yiu're else at face-value, and heard the opposite from others?
It's like the two aren't matching, and there's this conflict of what yiu know, verse what others know.
I mean, many people have this complex thing.
They way others react and expect out of yiu, the more yiur mind is set into becoming and cementing itself in that fashion.
It's like this ingrained view of yiurself that no one could ever see.

I mean, i grew up in such a ghetto household. My dad's Mexican side in San Jose, was such a eclectic family, with a diet that was poor and unhealthy. Still developing and growing through elementary school, that poor diet and eclectic family dynamic led to me being a very "husky" heavy set bodied and shy little boy.
Eventually after so many kids shunning me, calling me "fat" and "gay". i ended up being so shut up, i never had a person. And the friends i did have, either had a "love - hate" relationship with me or eventually left me.

I had grown up with this "fat kid" complex. TO this day, i always think that i'm still that kid. That kid with no friends, fat, self-loathing.

i mean, many people may not fully realize that they have such a complex. Some may think they're being modest, or just being honest, when they deny compliments or refuse to acknowledge such statements. Statements ranging from, "You are a very pretty/sexy/handsome person", or "You are always so nice/shy/humble/mischivious/popular". If yiu have a complex where yiu grew up not used to such comments, obviously yiu cannot accept them, because that's not who yiu "are".

The way we build a complex is factored on who people reacted to us as children, and what other people told us we were. If yiu were an individual who heard, "Yiu are so handsome" or "Yiu are a bad kid", yiu grow up accepting that as who yiu are.
I mean, we are a product of our environment. And many people fall into that, "You may only be as successful as you are expected to become" belief.

Many people base their self-image, off others. (simple point, but think it out as to why that is)
Try to rethink the following from you're past:
~Who did you grow up with?
~What did those individuals think of you as?
~Did you accept/not accept what they thought of you?
~Do you believe that your self-image is based upon it?

Last night was the most emotional night I've ever had.
Emotions ranging from laughter, social, happiness, frustration, self-disgust, and then suffering.
(in that order)

Well, much of the night isn't worth explaining, so as not to bore anyone.
I had a little argument with my mother, and then a crushing moment happened with my love life. (Also not worth mentioning) Afterwards, i called my "twin" Alex T to help me.
He made me feel better and we by the end of our conversation we were laughing so hard. Which is nice do, when yiu feel so bad prior.

After finally going to bed that night,
i ended up having a devastating dream.

I was myself in my dream but a little older, transitioning into college life. I was living my life as new college student after just finding out that my mother had died. But for some reason, her ghost stayed with me, and i was the only one able to see her. Apparently, when she died, she was not able to rest after leaving her children (myself and my sister) when we weren't yet fully independent. So she followed me to make sure i was doing fine without her. I think just her mere presence of love was what i needed at that point. The day before her funeral, my dad stayed the night over at my house (which is weird considering he and my mom are divorced and don't talk to each other much).  As me and him talked about how we missed my mom, her ghost, was present in the room lying down next to my father. I knew she was there, but my father wasn't. It reminded me of my childhood when we all slept in the same big bed, Me, my sister, mom, and dad, a complete family. I put my head next to my mom's, and i thanked her for everything she had ever done for me, and i gave her a kiss on the cheek. I knew the next day her spirit would finally be at peace. I cried in my dream heavily giving my mom that kiss.

Immediately i woke up at 3am and violently started sobbing. I couldn't breathe, my chest felt pained from such heaves of crying. I had then realized that it was a dream. But the emotions i felt of losing my mother hurt so much, and had overpowered the reality that she was still living. I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up the next morning and realized that i sometimes forget how much i appreciate her.

I really hate this senior year. I thought it was going to be great, but i realize, it's torture. Like i'm waiting for something. Something bigger than i could expect. i really need to enjoy this year.

I mean, for months yiu've been more source to get through.
Yiu've been the reason why i've ever felt truly hurt.
I mean I love yiu so much, and i'm so shure i do.

Yet, yiu at this time, yiu will never tell me.
I thought, the reason why we've been waiting for so very long,
was because we loved each other. We wanted a life together.
I thought yiu were mine.
How come yiu can't tell me yiu love me?
I know yiu would never use them loosely,
but i thought with me, yiu would use them.

AM i not worth saying it too?
AM i not worth yiu to admit yiur love to?

I think, one of the biggest reason why i've felt so miserable
for so long stems from yiur absence.
And yet, when i need yiu to remind me and help me to persevere on through my year
without yiu, yiu won't tell me yiu love me.
"R, Do yiu love me?"
"I can't say that."
"Why not?! I need yiu to tell me why i have lasted this long, waiting for yiu. Yes or no, Do yiu love me?"
"Alex, i can't answer yes or no."

One thought that ran through my mind droned, 'if yiu hold yiur breath long enough, yiu won't hurt'
'if yiu don't have him, why should yiu strive to go on? Hold yiur breath till he comes back.'

Is yiur self-integrity worth making me feel worthless?
How yiu decide, will effect what i think when i sit there day-dreaming of our future life.
And maybe, whether i live mine, with motivation.

Yiu are the only person in the world, who i feel understands me. WHy is it that yiu don't understand, that i need yiur love?
Do yiu understand me at all?

(as yiu can see from the title, i'm trying to learn a lil tag-a-long.
Along with the other many languages i try to steal phrases from.)

But seriously, this phrase seriously does make sense for my sister.
My sister moved down to So Cal for college, CSU San Marcos.
She said, "I wanna go far, where it's sunny. I can't take it here. So Cal was meant for me."
When she came back for Christmas she seems so happy to be back, and told us her life back in So Cal, with her pet chinchilla, her rented room in the hills, and her new diet habits which really helped her lose weight (although to begin with, she was never morbidly obese, nor did she ever look bad at her weight, she actually attracted more guys than the "skinnier" girls)

Anyways, this morning my mom and me were eating ramen (which is a funny thing she makes me in the mornings), when she happened to say, "Your sister will be coming here tomorrow."
O.o What the "f"? "Why is she coming here? Another break?"
"Nope, she couldn't take So Cal anymore. I guess after Christmas break with us, and then going back, she realized that she had so much here. Family, Friends. So she's moving back tomorrow."

Wow. Long story short. She'll be moving in with her friend in this area, attempt to transfer to SJSU in the fall, and attend Cal State East Bay. She's going to have my father fly down to SD just to get the remainder of whatever she leaves behind.

O.o?

A Huge part of me wanted to believe that my sister was the stronger of us. I hoped that she would be the one to fly first. But it makes me disappointed in her for not holding out a bit longer. Considering that of all my family, she is the most self-confident (but not the most publicly social, but still the most confident and vocal person i know). But i kinda expected her to prove to me, that it was worth going far. She had always been the one to tell me for months now, "You aren't ready Alex. You want make it out in the world. You aren't responsible enough to be on your own." Then she would tell my mom, "Mom, Alex will never be ready to live on his own. Make him live at home."

A part of me now feels she's a hypocrite. I mean, i know i'm ready, i'm very social (unlike yiurself), i know who i am and what i want (also unlike yiurself). I mean, who is she to say i'm not ready, when she breaks down to come back home.

This made me think of the way i'm going to take my future life. I'm going to go to SJSU, i'm going to rent a master bedroom (near Oakrigde mall) with young adults my age (who are good family friends), and i'm going to become a nurse.
And i'm going to have the man of dreams live with me in that room. X3
I mean, i'm just so used to people telling me i'm not ready to be on my own, when i know i am, that i let it get to me. Now i'm scared that they're right. Why can't i try it out? Why can't i prove my sister wrong? How about i move to So Cal, live on my own, make a life, some FRIENDS? Why is it want to chase yiur dream, just to prove yiu wrong?

I think it's strange, that the strings i thought were going to span elsewhere, are somehow going to find there way back to me. For some reason, i feel like i'm the string who doesn't go far, just in fear of not being able to found again. Ryan will also will transferring from So Call to SJSU in the fall, which is the happiest news i've received in months, and now to find out my sister will also be going, makes me realize that maybe this string won't ever be too far. Just promise me, that once yiu come back, don't leave until i'm ready.

Finals Finals Finals Finals Done!!!!
X3

This week was all about just that. "Finals!!!" (repeat to equal 6).
Preparation for finals, stressing for finals, NOT studying for finals
(which i'm brilliantly talented at doing). Of course, knowing me,
i never completely devote myself to studying, i just review briefly.

I mean, considering the way i've seen most people stress about, (actual live examples from this week)
"OH MY GOD!!! What do i need to score on my finla to get an 'A'? UGH!!"
"Are my grades this semester going to be sent to (name of So Cal UC)? Cuz Stats is hard."
"I didn't sleep till 3am cuz i had to study so hard making my cheat sheet."
"I think imma stay up all day and night studying!!! UGH!!"

And of course, here i am, this "heathen" when i tell them i never study
or use cheat sheets. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALEX?!"
"I just don't study, and i do fine. I retain class lessons for longer periods of time. Besides, w/e
i put on my cheat sheets never helps me anyways."
"I KNOW!!! GR!!! I HATE YOU!! How come you don't kill yourself like i do and still score as well?"
"i dunno"

Look my policy is: "If yiu are killing yiurself, and not having fun, then yiu really need to learn how to calm the fuck down!! I mean, going to Irvine might be the greatest place, but in the long run, it doesn't matter as much which college yiu start out at. Stupid asian parents putting so much pressure on their kids to go to 'burklee' or 'standfor'. No wonder yiur kids kill themselves studying, and wanting to go to the far away colleges. Yiur stressing them the fuck out. Now back up!!" XD

Anyways, besides finals. On Wednesday, me and my ROTC period were discussing what we should do to hang out this weekend. After running through so many ideas, and someone saying, "Let's go to someone's house", I volunteered mine. A lot of upperclassman (sophmores and above) now about my house, and how it's huge. So everyone liked it. I liked it. SO the plan was set. My house, after finals ends.

The part where it gets weird, is that i never told my mother or grandmother about the party. I thought, if i tell them, they'll say no. So i kept the information from them. Although my cousin and aunt knew, they never outed me.

Eventually i started making it into an even bigger party, telling over 30 people to come over. I even told them i expected easily 40 people, but 60 people if i was really lucky, and i told them the theme was, "B.Y.O.S"
BRING YO OWN SHIT!!! XD

I actually even began to feel like this was my way to spite my grandma and mom. Like i wanted to do something outrageous for them. "Here yiu go grandma. 80 people int he house. What do yiu want to say about me in front of all these people huh? I didn't think so."
I knew that if there were people with me, my grandma would turn two-faced, and not yell at me in front of others.
She would just grin and bear it until i was alone. Then i could just close my door, as she screams her lungs out of her chest on how, "I'm a asshole" "I've become an evil child whom she hates" and "she wishes would get outta her house"
= 3
Somehow, i knew i was gonna get in trouble for throwing this thing, and yet, i wanted it.

So 30 (give or take showed up) bring very little of their own, besides KFC, donuts, some pizza, adoboe. And that being it. We had a blast. Surfing the web on all the computers, eating food, fighting, MArio Kart DS, and just being reckless, yet respectful to my home).

It was until i got a call from my mom, who seemed annoyed questioning, "Can you tell me what's going on there? Cuz i just got a call from your Grandma outside, screaming that she couldn't take the noise, cuz so many people were there running and screaming." (which of course is somewhat misleading, considering the running and screaming had a good purpose). XD

SO we cleared out, they helped me clean up quick. And we all went out to chill some place else.
Something in me wanted to prove something to my grandma and mom. Sending them the message that i'm going to leave yiu for college, and imma have fun without yiu. And there's nothing yiu will say in front of others, so back off.
All my friends were so concerned whether or not i was in trouble, i told them, i didn't care if i was or not.
I wanted to throw the party anyways, and it was worth it. I wanted to get in trouble.

(in actuality, my mother was more annoyed that i never told her, and my grandma just won't talk to me, just give me evil looks and say nasty uncalled for things, which i'm so used to handling)

Grandma & Mom: 2
Alex: 2 3

Oh yeah,
imma get my hair done tomorro. XD
Purple Skunk Stripe. = 3

It's time to be the senior i've always dreamt i would be.
The one that said, "It's time i have fun."

(for lack of willingness to make a usual post, and finals beginning tomorrow,
i felt that i would use something i was researching. I think i like Shakespeares
sonnets a little bit too much. So this is my take on a free versed sonnet.)


He whom the stars crossed twins,
faced double the entoundres
made of passion sweet in which
yiur balance should patient the
stubborn Taurus into submission.
Whom cannot think to say
kindred be thy path.
A promise broken in the stains,
for which that promise never stayed.
A Gemini yiu are, for yiu seek
the Aquarius for they art amorphous.
Or maybe it is the ever conflicted Libra
for whom yiu wish to balance with such manner.
Not the celestials for earth,
which pride in strength and unchanging.
Oh Gemini, why were it not i?
That running star thou promised to clutch
from thine eyes as proof to such false heartedness.
It is i, whom thy lips cursed the heavens and such
destinies for prolonging.
Lay with me. The 10th house be in tonights scope for our weary selves.
For thou art my all in the sense.
Oh Gemini, let rest the twin that say, "honor thy name, for i am
but theirs"
But thou art mine also. Why?
Must i show the proof, the star i clutched so hard,
it become my heart?

Oh my Gemini, in the heavens, my thoughts lie.
And in thy heart lies my missing self.

Strangle my whole as well, for i'd rather be
sufforcated in such hands, than be without that self.

Gemini, it is i,
the beloved, so loved by that art be they
whom say so tryst. It is Taurus who say, it is I.

(this isn't the past part yet, bare with me)
Last night was really really weird. My mom tells me to take her car a play taxi driver, where she goes out drinking with friends, and i pick her up when she's ready. After two hours, she calls me to come back to pick her friend up. So i did. It ended up being this white, heavy-set, bearded man around mid to late 30's. The task was to drive him home. Simple enough. Except the idea of me, a younster, driving a complete stranger, who had been drinking, kinda creeped me out. The drive from the bar to this man's house, was filled with talk of, "how you should appreciate your final year" and "your going to have the best time at college". He then dropped the mother of all awkward inducing bombs as we neared his street. He said, "If my father hadn't died during my first year in Military academy, i never woulda been able to make it though". . . X > X!!! WTF!!! AKWARD!!!!
Apparently he explained that it had made him persevere to complete the last big thing his father had helped him to accomplish. But it didn't make any of the weirdness go away.
As we reached his house, he thanked me, and tried to hand me a rolled stack of bills. "Here, take this," he said, "It's my way of thanking you".
I kindly refused, but his mood had dramatically changed.
 I could sense something in his new mood that i didn't like. I could only describe it as a mixture between:
~defensive-ness ~desperation ~empathy ~realism
He said, "I know that as a senior, you have expenses. And this is merely my way of thanking you and your mother, whom i just met tonight. So please take it, it would have gone to a taxi anyways. SO please take it."
I took it just to stop him from continuing. I realized, that he and my mom had JUST MET!!! WTF!!
My mom put me in her car with someone she barely met. WTF! I mean, that's just not smart to be doing on both our parts. i drove home contemplating what could have happened, had he not been such a nice person, and counted the bills. The stranger had left me $20. Later that night, around 3am as i picked up my mom, she told me she had told him to tip me. For some reason, it scares me.
~~~~~~~~~
Okay, here's the childhood part.
Childhood. It's usually one of the biggest determining factors of our development. The saddest thing about me, is that i have mixed emotions toward mine. Sometimes i look back longingly, other-times, i wish i could have changed it. And because of this mixed emotions, very few people have ever known about, considering i keep it a really dark secret. Even friends and relationships i've never told about my childhood. It's just that rare for anyone to know. I think it's time i start to begin to talk about it.
So, the dark part about it is, is that i repressed most of it. i mean, it's not like i had a traumatic childhood, like i was raped or in a drug home, but it's just i didn't like it. I had a lot of really bad problems, so have many people. But not all the details of it are important.

Today, my aunt told me to come downstairs. On the dining table was a photo album. "I thought i would give this to you, it's a gift i've compiled of you when you were younger." I was about to cry.
One of the biggest regrets i've ever had in my life , was not taking enough pictures (which even fewer have known). I always thought, that there was a big chunk of my life missing in the time line of photos. I though that i had lost tht chunk of my life, and it would never come back, and i'd never remember it. My aunt had somehow collected so many pics, and put them in one big album for me. She probably will never know why i love it so much, but now yiu (the reader) know why. I'm starting to kinda ease that regret. Considering some (not too many) pics fill in some space of that "lost" chunk. I thought to scan some of the photos i thought would best show me through me progressing through the years. (This idea or concept came from a good LJ friend, IcyFrostyDude)
Here it is my infamous childhood in selected photos, through my FB photo album.
FB Photo Album

Read the captions as they explain it.
Maybe another day i'll go into detail why i kinda think i have repressed most of my childhood,
but for now, just use the pictures as a reference as how i came to be myself presently.
= 3

For the past week,
i've had plans to go to Milpitas Sports Center with my "interesting" friend An.
He said that maybe i should go with him to the yoga class he attends every saturday.
I agreed since i love yoga and i need to get my flexibility and strength back since darn Christmas break. So this morning i went to the Sports center, for the first time. And i'm a very shy person, by nature, so i was kinda quiet and intimidated by other "more experienced" gym patrons. I waited for my friend, Ahn, and other friends of mine , who he also convinced to try the class. I sat in front of the dance studio room, and read the standing sign marked, "Hatha Dynamic Yoga class: 10:00am - 11:15am". I was nervous about this, i didn't have my own yoga mat (cuz i was stupid enough to sell my new one at a garage sale, when i know i love yoga. But i got swept away in wanting make a sale, i was willing to sell my new yoga mat... how sad huh?) and i didn't want for everyone to realize i was new to the center and the class. X.x
SO they arrived, and asked why i was in jeans and shirt and shoes, i told them my stuff was underneath. An said the class, "is kinda like a nature meditation thing, so don't wear your shoes" So i walked around in short navy shorts, white guess tank, and socks. XD We picked up community yoga mats and got our spots in the dance studio. We sat towards the back far wall, all of us staggered. In the background was soothing meditation music, which was mood setting and deep. I swear, the instructor (who happend to be of Middle Eastern/Indian decent) had it out for us, as the lights dimmed and she introduced herself. "Welcome to my class, Hatha Dynamic Yoga. My name is Asha, and i will be your instructor", said her faint voice. The class, as she explained was an "intermediate class" and she didn't mandate breaks, so we would hafta take them as we needed to.
We sat, in the dimmed room, legs crossed. Meditation music softly drowning out any thoughts. "Close your eyes, and focus inward".
I now sorta understood the whole, no shoes things: nature, no shoes, mediation? I guess i got the idea now.

But after that, Oh god! The stuff got so complicated... AH!!! I haven't used those yoga positions in quite sometime, but some involved
intense stretches, demanding holds, and odd leg raises. One move literally had yiu wrap one arm under one leg and reach around to join yiur other hand, and then pull tha tlegs up to point up to the sky. . . The overall excersize left me with my arms glistening, tank wet, and my face red (from having blood constantly being moved in and out of it from the gravity of going from standing to upside down).

Afterwards, we all changed in our swim suits, and i sunbathed in the nice california sunshine which allows people to swim in january.
BUt then we all took laps and talked about our spring stuff.

Afterwards, i went to the movies with my best friend Ariel, her mother June (who loves to hell outta me, as mentioned last blog), and Sarah (a good family friend to June, who i see at their parties). Apparently, June was tired of Cinemark (or Great Mall's Century theater) and their crappy service that has gone down dramatically since it became Cinemark (and i agree along with her), and went to AMC Mercado (the theater by Great America and Mission College).
I used my new Christmas AMC giftcard to buy my ticket, a cinnamon pretzel (which was bomb), and a medium diet coke.
WE all sat down to watch "National Treasure Book of Secrets", while i also ate some of June's popcorn. X3
Yummy, and the movie turned out way better than i coulda ever expected.

After that, and a grocery trip with them, we sat down in Ariel's living room with some food, and watched "The Bourne Ultimatum".
Which kinda tired me out, considering "National Tresure" and "Bourne" are such action movies, that i kinda kicks yiur butt from all the fighting and twists and turns.

As we're watching "Bourne" Ariel brings up a past topic we had discussed before christmas break. "So, do you still want a fish and a fishtank? We still have that extra one." June and Ariel (if yiu lost track, June is Ariel's mother) breed honor-show-winning beta fishes at their house, (which are way healthier, livlier, and more colorful than any betas avialable from petsmart, or worse, walmart). So they set me up with the works for fishtank and a 6-month old (teenager+ age in fish years) turqouise fan tailed beta. X3 All for free of course. They are the nicest people i know.

Ariel even came over to my house to help me set up the tank, water, filters, heater, fish food, and water chemicals to prevent bad stuff.
The decorating or extra stuff for my fish, is my next priority. So in the coming days, i'll buy him fishtank stuff like rocks and figures and pretty stuff. XD

But sadly, i still don't have a name for him.
I need yiur help reader. I have a couple ideas for my new male turquoise fish:
~Absalom ~Pinilinguous ~Yin ~Square Bear (reference to previous post)
and people suggested names like:
~Caleb ~Yiu ~QA (not anymore, cuz that's bad luck) ~Fierce ~Rockstar (even though that's QA's future kid)
~Ziremire (which i didn't realize was my last name backward till suggetor told me) ~Vagina (nu uh! Yiu asshole Jason)
~Doggy (AHAHAH!!! Robert's an asshole too) ~Dori (blegh, it's not a lesbian) ~Bon Qui Qui (OMG!! My fish isn't a chola... stupid michael) ~Bitch ass whore (... WTF michael, i'll cut yiu XD )

But yeah, comment with any other suggestions or votes on any ideas above, it would be helpful to give a name to our new addition. X3

This week went by in record time. I swear when the last school bell rang, that when someone
wished Ms. Belanger (my 6th period AP Bio Teacher) a, "Have a good weekend", did it truly hit me
that the week had passed. Although i blame next weeks finals, and my weird succession of drifting.

I swear this week, had so many uniquely weird events that kinda stacked.
I just hope that i can do them justice by remembering them. XD

So, on Thursday i was wearing my usual stuff, gray with green stripes Abercrombie shirt layered over a white dress shirt (rolled sleeves) gray striped vest, and gray skinnies. Well, that day was raining really hard, and i was wearing hardly anything, so as i looked underneath my seat 4th period, i sealed my fate. It was a nice GREEN compact umbrella. I'm usually a very moral and respectful person, but for some reason this umbrella just struck me and something i needed. XD So i looked over to my friend Lily Tran and said, "Imma play asian today"
"Play asian, what does the mean?" She asked.
"That means imma take this umbrella." XD
(of course she laughed with me. But sometimes i think i'm so harsh on the asian side of myself, and also racist to asians... XD)
Anyways, so after i left 4th, i realized that i had left the now mine tagged umbrella, so i walked back, picked it up, and was heading out the door, when i saw my other friend Lily Xi walking out too. "OMG!! Alex yiu're so nice!!!"
O.o "What?"
"Yiu found my umbrella, i left it last period at my other desk. Oh thank yiu Alex!"
. . .
(DAMNIT!!!!) So i returned the umbrella, cuz of course how could is steal it now that i knew it was my friends, and she was right there...
drat... So i gave it back. I felt so ashamed of myself. "Oh yeah... um.. i was actually going to take it, cuz i liked it and it matched me."
*awkward turtle moment* "Well actualli, my name is written right on the fastener..."
Lily Xiong was written right there in black sharpie. Oh god, i wanted to get away, just like American Airlines could do.
So we parted and she kinda brushed it off, and said it was okay. But oh ghandi that was awkward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today after school i hung out with my bestest friend Ariel. WE hung out at her house today, and talked in her office for a long time about all the weird events of my week (which i won't really put here, cuz either they're not worth mentioning unless i was talking to yiu, or they're a lil more personal than i should mention), and we talked, (and repeat 3x).
 Her mom said we should run by Office Max so she could pick some more supplies for her class, and then afterward head to On the Border for a nice mexican dinner. So as we waited til her mom was ready, me and her played an Apple Widget called "Trivia Quiz".
I love trivia games, cuz i usually do great at the science, music, tv, or literature questions, but do terribly when it comes to history, sports, or movies. So we played a couple rounds, and afterwards broke out into random dancing. XD
"I dance like a white girl."
"Well, yiu are a white girl. But i think imma throw the dice" (Knocked Up reference)
SO we just danced around with the cats and started to headed out with June (Ariel's mom, who says that i'm the gay son she never had, and wanted... and always considers me as one of her children)
Got the supplies for June  and her class, got the reams of paper for Ariel's poetry magazine (which should hit the school campus in a matter of days), and me some filler paper. Then it was to the Border for us.
After witnessing that our waiter had, "the dreamiest eyes i have ever wanted to swim in", and eating a nice mexican meal,
we all went back home to watch some tivo'd episodes of CSI: Las Vegas and Gray's Anatomy. X3

It was great.

But all week i've been looking forward to tomorro. XD
I'll explain why, when the say actually happends, cuz it's so rich with something weirdly funny.
But yeah, How come yiu never comment? I mean, just because yiu may not have a LJ account, why don't yiu,
just click it and say something. XD

It's sad sometimes to see friends slipping out of contact or favor in our lives.
Recently has been a time for kinda. . . amnesty window for people.
I guess after having so many un-kindled friendships, i guess it was time
for me to catch up in a time when i'm transitioning so much (mentally).

So two nights ago,  i called my friend M (who i mentioned last post)
who used to be the person i would call every night before i went to bed.
M was like my security blanket, my kindred bosom buddy. XD (haha. bosom)
(of course non-sexually). But then... things stopped. He went through so much
with his own issues, and i mine. We just stopped.

That night, we kinda changed our friendship dynamic into
a brother hood. He my homie, i his jigga. WE lookin
out for each other in this effed up world. aight?!
(i had a medang moment...)
Anyways, it was nice to reconnect and get the advice from him i needed.
I lay in my bed for two hours talking to him on the phone, like the good old days.

Tonight, a friend i made in high school, who sorta mentored
me as i was beginning to come out, asked if i needed company.
It was so outta the blue, considering he had graduated, and was off independent.
Yet, we talked, me at home on his sidekick, and we caught up.
. So i showed him the new house,
considering he was used to my other house, in which i had that WILD party. XD
(oh Buddah, i should write a post about that party later on, as i get used to this LJ thing)
So i showed him my new room, and we just sat around on my bed talking for an hour or more.
He kinda reminded me how good my life is, and how i'm so fortunate.
Especially since he usually insults me a lot, and said, "Yeah, um... yiu're a freak" or um
"yeah... i woulda called yiu a twat" or something insulting.

I'm so very interested in continuing this streak of talking to all
these people from my past, maybe continue to have them in my life
even when i graduate. I'm getting way too sentimental now that graduation edges closer.
XD

If yiu've ever talked to me, sometime or another i've mentioned that something right now in my life just doesn't seem to be fitting properly. Just something about the way i go through my day makes me feel neutral and unfeeling. (imma try to explain why and how, without trying to sound EMO or dramatic, but for some reason it kinda does)

This year i made the right choice in finally taking Theater Arts. A class i have never taken since 7th grade, and something i have loved to do for so long. So many productions, and yet i didn't take the class. Considering that i love to analyze characters and strive to understand their "raw" emotions, i've made some good performances so far in class. X3 At this point at the end of the semester, our new assignment is to go through a mock audition. We will perform our chosen monologue, a one person scene in which they direct their talk to someone specifically, only in front of the mock director. Which i kinda feel disappointed about, since i like when people watch.

The monologue i chose to do is an excerpt from the play "Women and Wallace" by Johnathan Marc Sherman. It is an emotional scene where Wallace, the 18 year old main character, talks to his psychiatrist about being a 6 y/o coming home one day after school to find his mother had slit her throat in the kitchen, and how his life had suffered since then. He then tells the psychiatrist about how he feels everyone fails him, and how all the women in his life have deserted him.

The first time i read the monologue, i knew this is the character i love playing (similar to a character i played last performance). An emotionally wrecked man, with deep rooted mental problems. A man who suffers because he can't branch outward towards others from lack of confidence. That man, the more i acted as him, was me.

I just couldn't stop wanting to relate and feel like Wallace (or Johnathon, the other character in my last performance), that i realized they were me. Something in my acting choices wants to be able to express their emotional pain. Something about them is raw and dark, yet in a quirky way, funny.

i then connected, that they reflected how i feel presently. It the desire to wring out of myself a raw dramatic emotion, and be able to portray and act it to others, just like Wallace and Johnathon.

I just need to be truthful for once, and tell Him what i need, or want. Considering that talking to M made realize what my actions were doing to me and how they didn't reflect me. I needed that. I really need to stop being the Wallace, or any other person like him for that matter. I wanna be myself.

Christmas is known for that warm, fire place feeling,
in which we decorate, buy, wrap, cook, and gather ourselvesin celebration of the birth of Christ and another year of memories with our family.
Traditionally, the celebration happens on December 24-25th, and it is a joyous time.
(and this is when i say how my x-mas didn't quite follow this idea)

My family (meaning my mother, sister, Aunt, cousins, and I) this year
planned in advance to celebrate with out family friends after our schedules
had finally been freed. So it was set that on January 5th, 2008, (yesterday) would be the time
we celebrate with that part of our family. (So imagine having three Christmas-es in one year)

It was a funny feeling to pretend that it was Christmas day. I mean, everything happened like a
traditional Christmas party, with the cooking for hours, kids running around, and family members
laughing about the time yiu (as in myself) used to carry a blanket around all day and night, and
threw up on it, and cried when it was being washed till they gave up and let yiu have it fresh outta the washer.
It was nice to have that family feeling dynamic again.

The craziest thing that happened that night,
(playing with the new pugle (half pug/half beagle) puppy and laughing till i swore i was gonna pass out from all the weird family hijinx)
my uncle had mentioned the infamous shock video, "2 Girls and 1 Cup". Many of my family members had heard of the video, and sat around a laptop awaiting the video to load. I had already seen it before, so i sat in place to see their reactions. XD It was a kodak moment. It was all funny for me until my uncle happened to mention other videos with the same images, except i've never seen them before. If one were to know me realli well, they would know that when i'm curious, it'll kill me till i fufill it. "2 Girls and 1 finger"
Yiup, i watched it with my family (and mind yiu their ages ranged from 12 - 40 years old). I didn't make it. I ran out gagging after a little over 10 seconds. X.x And then he played another one "4 Girls Finger Painting"!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! I cried from gagging so much, and ran out... I still get disgusted thinking about them...

I just found it so funny that my older relatives actually sat through it, even though it disturbed them.
This morning (the morning after the party), they even talked about weird fetishes and how people like that sorta thing.
It's so ridiculous it is to realize that the older relatives yiu knew so well, knew about such things, and would now
discuss such things with yiu, as a new adult. XD

I guess family isn't so bad. On that pretend christmas night, i started writing on the back of my senior portrait prints for family members. And to write such things, i've always felt, being honest is the best thing for any person to read. I put so much thought and effort into writing the perfect message to express how my 08 graduation will never seperate me from my family and that i loved them.
This morning i handed my Aunt Elle her portrait with the message written for her family. Immediatly after reading, she began to cry. (Which isn't too hard of thing to do, because she is so sentimental and compassionate). But, knowing that my words had touched her to tears, made me happy. Happy to know that she understood my message, and how much i truly appreciated their guidance and much i truly love them. And this event ended another wonderful Christmas season. = 3
(this is where i end, smiling from humble feelings of family love, crossing my fingers, and rubbing them on the screen in the shape of heart. Wishing for it to stay as such)

So pretty much, today i kinda
cemented a friend. If yiu have ever been on a social site, like myspace,
and added someone yiu sorta knew, in the hopes of getting to know that person better,
this is that kinda situation. So, i found a person's IM on their profile (in this case Facebook),
and immed them for the first time. And many people know that sorta awkward time it is
to kinda introduce yiurself as the person that they sorta know. XD
(not part of the actual convo, just scenarios) "Oh yeah, Hey, i saw yiu at that party three nights ago"
or "Yeah, um, we have third period together, yiu sit next to *enter in name*"

So eventually, me and this person started talking for a long time. And it was nice,
cuz i felt so honest with them.

"Hey, i'm kinda curious, What did yiu think of me at first glance?"
(for lack of actual quotations) Their response went along the idea of,
"I could tell yiu weren't straight, you're style was too fashionable for a straight person"
and then also along the lines of, "Yiu always look so snobby. Like you're always walking a cat-walk"

O.O?!

A catwalk? Why do people always say that?
I guess it was nice to have a strangers perspective (like the Snatchin' Up Boobies post).
And that was interesting and refreshing. It's like a motif that i'm looking for the opinions of others.

And today also mirrored another motif i'm beginning to notice.
Today my mom finally came back from her trip to Las Vegas. And she even brought us souveneirs,
mine were a little snow-globe and a shot glass. X3 Well, the plan last night, was exactly when my home got home,
we would all go to ihop to celebrate (and also squeeze a little more paid stuff outta my mother). Instead we went to a pho
place called, "Pho Hoang Long" (next to Q Cup). I like pho, it's so tasty.
Anyways, as we were eating my cousin kept taking short little nasty comments about me.
Apparently he kept calling me a "Square Bear". And i just stayed silent eating my pho, which i hoped would help clear
this congestion i've had for the past couple of days. It kept continuing and my family kinda joined in on calling me
a Square Bear. (I guess this is kinda why i feel like i'm the black sheep of the family)
After getting some boba at Tapioca Express and getting a "hello kitty" phone charm (when i wanted a pokemon one). My cousin kept continuing to call me a square bear, and said my Hello Kitty Charm (which i realli didn't want). My mom then said,
"You know what Alex, instead of fighting the fact of being a Square bear, you should be the best square bear there is.
And make it work. Till everyone will wanna be one too."

Sometimes i swear my mom really encourages individuality.
(Although after that comment, she left to go see her gay friend, cuz he wanted to get his wrist pierced....
which is realli weird...)

I think, from this day on. I will strive to be the best Square bear anyone has ever seen.
And one day, they'll wanna be one too, and i'll say, "Course, but be an even better square bear".
X3


(and this is the part when i cross my fingers and rub a heart in the screen. Wishing for it to be as such.)

Patrick: lol x]
Patrick: so like i didnt know an average ejaculation is 28mph o_o
Jason: o_o
Jason: an average ejaculation speed can killa  small rodent
Me: WOW!!! i shoulda skeeted on those mice a long time ago
Patrick: gldsfkjlaskdjflsjlfjsdfBAAHAHABAHAHAABBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHROFL XD
Jason: ewh.
Alex T: hahaha yuck
Alex T: D: omg pichu is endangered by horny boys!
Jason: what?
Jason: o_o
Patrick: LOL xD

Patrick: omg andandandanddddddddddd lions are capable of mating 50 times....in one day O_O
Patrick: LOL
Alex T: wow
Alex T: im a leo
Alex T: d:] im rawr
Me: i wish i was a lion
Patrick: haha oh hayyyyy i wish u were a lion too
Patrick: lol xD
Me: O.O?
Me: Why?
Me: so yiu could pop me 50 times?>
Patrick: ... like duh
Patrick: LOL